Conan OBriens Dartmouth commencement speech: Life is not fair

On Sunday, Conan O’Brien gave the commencement address to 2011’s graduating class of Dartmouth College. It was a rousingly and oddly inspiring speech that touched upon what he’s learned from both the experience and failure associated with his short stint helming NBC’s “The Tonight Show.” As always, the talk show host’s speech featured a great deal of self-depreciating humor from the very beginning as he pointed out that President George H.W. Bush was also onstage:

I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired president of the United States and decorated war hero, while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.

From there, Conan painted his words for the graduates as an encouraging but also realistic picture of the opportunities facing them today. He was also very, very funny in the process. Here are some choice quotes:

Today, you have achieved something special. Something only 92% of Americans your age will ever know — a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma, you now have a crushing advantage over 8% of the work force. I’m talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.

My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate the life is not fair. For example, you worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you will be receiving this weekend, and Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight. Deal with it.

You know, New Hampshire’s such a special place. When I arrived, I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, “Wow! I’m in the state that’s next to the state where Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream is made.” But don’t get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously. When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper. So late last night, I began. I drank to cans of Red Bull. Snorted some Adderall. Played a few hours of Call of Duty and then opened my browser. I think Wikipedia put it best when they said, “Dartmouth College is a private, Ivy-League university in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States.”

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. Whether you fear it or not, true disappointment will come but with disappointment comes clarity, conviction and true originality.

Naturally, the audience enjoyed Conan’s candid appraisal of what the occasion truly meant. I appreciate the fact that Conan didn’t sugar coat the entire affair, and a self-effacing comedian like himself, who has (to a degree) lived life among us and experienced his own hard times of late, is much more appropriate than someone who will merely write a “cheerleading” sort of address. Out of the entirety of Conan’s speech though, I think my favorite part was watching the reactions of Dartmouth’s President, Dr. Jim Yong Kim, who laughed heartily at many of the well-received jabs aimed towards himself. “Stinky Pete,” indeed.

Photo of Conan all wet in the NYC rain on 5/18/11 courtesy of Fame Pictures

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